By Christie Nicholson
Article published in The Columbia Journalist on February 14, 2006.
On a day when some singles feel as invisible as a high school student without a prom date, others are celebrating the fact that they have not settled. They belong to a band of uncompromising singles who call themselves the “quirkyalones.”
- – -
The last thing Sarah Campbell wants for Valentine’s Day is a date.
The 41-year-old Manhattan advertising executive says she’d prefer to spend the holiday with close friends, instead of sitting through a forced set-up over tired sushi and awkward silences.
“There is nothing sadder to me than someone who is so desperate to have a date because it’s Valentine’s, that they’ll settle for something hollow and empty,” she says. “I have never felt that way.”
On a day when singles can feel as invisible as a high school student without a prom date, Campbell and others are celebrating the fact that they have not settled. They are joining a trend of uncompromising singles who call themselves the “quirkyalones.”
According to the 2005 U.S. Census, single households have begun to out-number nuclear families. Carrie Bradshaw, the heroine of the HBO series “Sex in the City,” secured the philosophy in popular culture when she announced, “I’m getting married! To myself.”
The term “quirkyalone” came like a bolt to its creator, Sasha Cagen, 33, in 2000. After another kissless New Year’s Eve, she wrote an essay describing the phenomenon for her magazine, “To-Do List.” The magazine has since gone under, but her brief essay took hold, turned into a manifesto, and now circulates on the Internet and in the minds of newly found quirkyalones. It has spawned a sort of movement. Last year International Quirkyalone Day was celebrated in 24 cities, from New Delhi to Baton Rouge.
“The philosophy of the quirkyalone is to enjoy life as it is,” says Nancy Sampson, 36, a licensed artist. “We are open, but refuse to have life revolve around dating and searching for someone.”
Quirkyalones distinguish themselves from other singles in that they are not only comfortable with the idea of being unattached, but they will choose it over any sort of compromised romance. Instead of feeling lost when they are alone, and found when they are part of a couple, quirkyalones do not see a relationship as the only end. For them, being single isn’t a temporary place-holder until that one person completes their life. To be single is a deliberate and defended choice.
This does not mean they are introverts, or that they oppose meeting others. More than 50 people gathered at a Brooklyn bar last weekend to celebrate International Quirkyalone Day. Mixed groups of bankers, musicians and lawyers sat on velvet sofas, played pool and shared philosophies about relationships, independence and unfaltering idealism.
Callia Piperides, who hosted the event through a social group called Brooklyn Friends, handed out fresh cut daisies, deemed the official flower of the quirkyalones because they are natural and cheerful. Patrick Bousman took two and tucked them behind his ears.
“I am looking for that moment of eyes meeting across the room,” he said. “I want the nirvana of relationship, rather than being with just anyone.”
How does one know if one is a quirkyalone? There is an online quiz. Do you ever go to movies alone? Do you have more friends than significant others? If yes, you may have found your tribe. Would you rather be alone than in a relationship where you hold back an essential part of yourself? Do you display a talent for self-reflection?
“I took the test,” said Kim Edwards, a 30 year-old television producer. “I was totally surprised, I do these things! I identified completely.”
Quirkyalones describe feeling immense relief when they first discover the term.
“They are my people,” Denise Aplund, 33, a computer executive said. “Look, I have people! Who knew?”
Within the genre of quirkyalones there seem to be two subsets: those who are simply comfortable being alone, and those who are alone because they are waiting for the ideal mate.
David, 43, a quirkyalone who wanted to be identified only by his first name, feels he’s better off single, and will remain so until the perfect person knocks him off his feet. He wants the skies to open and fireworks to light.
“I’m ahead of the game,” he said. “I will not settle for shortcomings in a relationship. Yes, it’ll be hard to find, because I have a long list of requirements.” He pulled out four pages of hand-written notes from his back pocket. His top demand is to find a woman who cares about him, and not his money.
So here is another trait of quirkyalones: they are very, very picky.
One refused a date because the man liked the band Styx; another ended a relationship because the woman didn’t make her own pie-crust. But these are extremes, and most quirkyalones understand the need to let go of obsessive minutiae.
“We realize we have to make some compromises,” said Peperides. “If you set your expectations so high that you feel you only deserve someone perfect, you may never be with anyone.”
Aplund, who considers herself a quirkyalone but is part of a couple, feels that waiting for the earth-to-quake moment is not the way to find true love.
“It’s the difference between grown-up love versus Romeo and Juliet love,” she says. “The real bang happens only after we allow the love to grow.”
But still, the quirkyalones are adamant about not settling. They refuse the casual date. They want to fall hard, or not at all. As Cagen writes in her manifesto, “When we find a possible match, we verge on obsessive – or resist.”
So we wonder, could a fear of commitment be at the core of the quirkyalone personality?
“Mm, I guess we should call my therapist on that one,” said Sarah Campbell. “But I’ve decided I’m not willing to accept just any relationship. It needs to feel right. There has to be chemistry.”
This entry was written by , posted on February 14, 2007 at 1:20 pm, filed under Home, Print. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.